Thursday, October 22, 2009

one night only

I have to be honest. I feel a little bit like Adam Sandler walking into Charlie Goodnight's trying to do stand-up comedy. Once you've made it, you've made it. (Note the perfect use of the comma splice there.) They pay you $20 million to do movies. Why are you going to slum it in some dive comedy club when you can be chilling in your trailer waiting for your next scene and chomping on some fresh fruit? But I return to show you that I am the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. Just because I've advanced well beyond your primitive methods doesn't mean I don't still own your medium, Oddsmakers.

If I'm a stand-up comic in this analogy, then Oddsmakers is reality television. You're formulaic, you're scripted, there's a lot of annoying people involved, and the novelty wore off years ago. You're The Real Gilligan's Island, the real world version of the 60's sitcom they tried a few years back. You take something that used to be great that people loved and you try to steal the magic from it for your own gain. It never works. Face it. You're a poor man's me. Jeff Probst, your fifteen minutes of fame have been up for ten years. Ryan Seacrest is ashamed of your awkward, cringe-inducing jokes. You are bringing in more guest "stars" than VH1. The problem is that it doesn't matter how many co-writers you decide are the weakest link it won't be enough to get your sagging ratings to jump up. Here's a better idea. Bring in some talented young writers and comics, have them write your column every week, and let America choose who gets to stay for the next week. You could call it American Idol. Hold on. That's already taken. So you could call it Who Wants to be Brent Woodcox? I take it back. You could be the star of that show.

Enough said. Onto the picks...

SHolstonKayakPirates vs. The Commish
Rumor has it that no where is the Kyle Orton vs. Jay Cutler battle brewing stronger than inside the locker room of The Commish as he offered a trade for one Jay Cutler just before settling on Kyle Orton as a backup. Jimmy should consult Josh McDaniels on how he handled that move because that dude is cold-blooded. I was first in line doubting McDaniels moving of Cutler in the offseason, but I am all aboard the Bronco bandwagon now. McDaniels knew that for all Cutler's gifts, he lost you as many games as he won in the clutch and he was a hard-headed prima donna unlikely to accept new coaching and competing with McDaniels, a young head coach trying to gain respect and leadership in that locker room. Now Lil' Hoodie is making Orton look like an actual NFL QB. But even Rex Grossman could run this offense. Make no mistake. Kyle Orton is still Keanu Reeves... errrr, Kyle Orton.

One thing is for sure, the answer to who is better Kyle Orton or Jay Cutler is not Tony Romo. As I correctly predicted before the season, Tony Romo was in for a down year without "The Player" (who shall not be named but the Pirates have historically had a huge man-crush on). Just a couple weeks ago, Jimmy benched Romo against the Chiefs. What do you think that does to a man's ego? He's supposed to be the leader of the team and you emasculate him like that. Who is the leader of this team? Certainly not The Commish, himself. Jimmy has been making the worst decisions in leading his army since Hannibal tried to cross the Alps. (obscure historical reference requirment satisfied) Careening off course without stong leadership, the mighty Commish falls to the Pirates this week. Jeff's bad luck has to even out sometime.
Pick: Pirates

black is for sunday vs. The Institute
I wonder if the Oddsmakers ever asked The Institute for any war stories about going up against the G.O.A.T. Probably not since he would have had to step over his broken, decaying bones to even enter this fray. But suffice it to say that there is no love lost between these old foes. VZ's interminably long winning streak over me was the winter of my discontent but a new spring has sprung and that bit of history has been firmly put in the past. Umphlett says I gave up this week because I wouldn't trade him Calvin Johnson or Brandon Marshall for Joseph Addai. (Incidentally, unless Addai is switching to WR for this week, I'm not sure how he could help me anyway.) Funny, I thought refusing that trade was part of my master plan of not giving up on the season. No, this is week is my personal Rubicon and I intend to cross it in triumph. (obscure historical reference requirement satified) The rumors of my fantasy death are greatly exaggerated. Although I have made two of the worst calls in my career as a manager the past two weeks, neither time did it cost me a win and if you put those players in my lineup my point total would be right up there in competition with the top 3.

It is true that all three of my WRs are on bye this week. The good thing about facing VZ's team with no WRs is that he never has any. It doesn't matter who is on bye. So while I miscalculated my bye weeks on draft day, VZ miscalculated, you know, drafting any. Peyton Manning is going to have a huge game because he hates me and I hate him. If we got in a fight, he would probably beat me up worse than he beats his wife. But it's cool because I'll beat him on the fantasy field this week.
Pick: Black

K Rabbits v. showmedamoney!
Kris has already ordered the champagne and cigars to celebrate his halfway championship. Why not? In almost every area of his life, he is used to finishing when others are only halfway done. (vague sexual innuendo requirement satisfied) Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize thinks your gloating is premature. Seriously no one has celebrated anything more prematurely since GWB was waxing poetic on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. The mission is far from accomplished, you cowboy wannabe moron. By the way you misspell your own players names (first AP/AD, now Rodgers/Rogers) I can only assume you share an IQ level with the former Prez but I didn't realize you shared political philosophies. Take note. This is a desert war that quickly can turn into a quagmire bogging down the troops and needlessly costing thousands of lives. By your draft day strategy, I would think Donnie Rumsfeld is sitting in your war room but it might be time to start ignoring his advice. You have done exactly nothing and three years from now when you're talking about your 2009 season, you'll be the only one who remembers you starting 5-2 on the way to choking out another fantasy season. Whoops, think I gave myself away too early. Somehow appropriate for this discussion. True love waits, bitch.
Pick: show

The Champ vs. 40 acres & a mule
I actually kind of agree with the Oddsmakers that this is not going to a pretty game to watch. What I mean by that is you'd have to be Steve Phillips to want to get down with that. Steve, man what are you thinking? You don't need to take a leave of absence from ESPN, you need to take a hiatus from life. You ruin your family, your marriage, and give away half your ish for that. Why, Steve, why? Rick Pitino, Mark Sanford, and Ben Roethlisberger were on a conference call to discuss your poor judgment (and apparently poor eyesight). I know you baseball guys are familiar with the concept of a "slumpbuster." But this is just to a whole new level. Even this woman feels sorry for you.

Boss Tells Woman that her Husband's been Fired sound biteAlright, somehow I have gotten through this whole diatribe without talking about the game at all. Job well done. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Brandon came in rocking another team's jersey this week a la Jeff Fisher. Why not? Get out while you can. It's OK to be a bandwagon jumper even if you are the coach of the team. Right, Roy Williams? (Ouch. That hurt me to write that.) It's a good thing that fantasy managers don't have hot seats because no one has ever had one hotter than Brandon right now. Keep the 0-14 dream alive, bud.
Pick: 40 Acres

game of the week
The Protagonist vs. the icon
Chris is looking like a modern-day Nostradamus riding a four-game winning streak after having called his shot, but now it appears that even he is beginning to doubt. Umphlett would be starting Wes Welker anyway after his brilliant performance but hoping to negate Reggie Wayne with Austin Collie is a fool's errand. No one can predict who Peyton Manning is going to throw to on any given play. Not even Peyton Manning. Until he gets to the line, audibles 100 times, reads his progressions, and checks down to the open guy, there is no predictive indicator in the world. What I can tell you is that against the Rams, I know who Manning will be throwing to this week: anyone he wants to. Cat is going to back in the pocket playing an "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo" game on Sunday and that is not likely to favor Umphlett's best friend. Lassie! Chris fell down in a well and can't get out! Go get help!

Meanwhile for Overbay, it's all aboard the Tom Brady hype train. Dude has one good game and everyone is daydreaming fondly of 50 touchdowns again. Stop trying to make Tom Brady happen, it's not going to happen! Someone honestly quoted the stat that he has now thrown for 10 TDs in his last 5 games. Yeah and 6 of them came in one game while he only had 4 in the other four games. Typically, NFL teams don't quit in the first quarter... unless they are the Tennessee Titans. So while Tampa is another good matchup, I just don't see the same thing happening across the pond. Still, I don't see Overbay's "London Bridge" falling completely down this week, the icon will be sitting in Buckingham Palace after this week is through, the crown jewel of the league.

Folks, you've been a great crowd. Remember to tip your waitresses. (That's called coming full circle.) I'm out.

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