Monday, August 26, 2013

may the odds be ever in your favor

Odds of this league making its inaugural trip to Vegas without me doing an odds column to preview the trip: 10,000 to 1

Odds that Kris Norris selected his beloved Aaron Rodgers with the #4 overall pick: 3 to 1

The question here is not the K Rabbits' desire to reunite with his longtime man crush but rather the opportunity that Rodgers falls so far. If Brandon takes a QB, I think he goes for Drew Brees. That or he can never again cross the Louisiana state line. VZ could take Rodgers just to be an a-hole or in some weird scheme to secure future draft picks in 2034. Umphlett hasn't been known to take quarterbacks early in drafts but he's not exactly been known for employing the same strategy two years in a row either. I think it's a safe bet to assume Kris will be nuzzling Rodgers' non-ironic mustache very soon.

Chances Billy does this move at some point in Vegas: 2 to 1

Chances that this is Jimmy's reaction: 1 to 5

Safest bet ever.

Odds on first junior Playoffs?!? league members to take over management duties in the next five years:

Flying Crouton/Bacon Bit: 5 to 1
Executive Vice Commish/Senior Vice Commish: 150 to 1
Sweet-N-Low: 25 to 1
double click: 30 to 1
Thunderette: 50 to 1

Mostly this is a function of age (although it's safe to assume The Commish might have to be committed to an asylum before he ever gives up control of his team... Al Davis went more quietly into the night than he will) as well as the future ability of promising progeny to handle the reins of a big league franchise. This kind of transition hasn't exactly worked out well for Hank and Hal Steinbrenner or Jim and Jeanie Buss. (Christina Pagniachi pretty much saved football in Miami though.) Too many more fifth place finishes and the restless of the Crouton might give in. You might remember him taking over an interview with behind the numbers last year. Rumor has it he is making a power play to oversee draft day operations on the ground for the KayakPirates squad in Vegas. The future is now.

Chances that Brandon gets married in Vegas over the weekend: 500 to 1
If he does, odds on his betrothed being his current girlfriend vs. the field: PUSH

I don't think it's going to happen but if you're inclined to bet on a long shot, I say bet the field on this one. Just a pure math play.

Over/under on the number of times the words "drunk like a fox" are said: 70

I'm taking the over. Way over.

Chances AJ makes the worst pick in the draft: Off the board

Six years running. No reputable casino is putting odds on that. Might as well bet on an SEC team winning the national championship. No money in it for the bookmakers.

Pre-draft odds to win Fantasy Bowl XIII:

BackwoodCrazyCajuns: 5 to 1
black is for sunday: 8 to 1
The Commish: 10 to 1
the icon: 12 to 1
KayakPirates: 14 to 1
Jerry's Belt Buckle: 18 to 1
showmedamoney!: 25 to 1
K Rabbits: 30 to 1
The Institute: 50 to 1
40 acres & a mule: 100 to 1

Chances this is Jimmy's reaction to being ranked third on this list: 1 to 5

Chances this is my reaction to his reaction: 2 to 1

Odds that this is in AJ's wardrobe for Vegas: 5 to 2

Chances that these are the full contents of Kris' suitcase: 2 to 1

Chances we ever have another Vegas draft again after this year: 10 to 1

We all have to make it back alive first.

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