Thursday, September 19, 2013

our pets heads are falling off

So this is basically what sums up the first two weeks of the NFL season.

Up is down, down is up. Wide receivers are outproducing running backs. Drew Brees is terrible. Philip Rivers is amazing. And teams are trading away their franchise running backs for pennies on the dollar.

Oh yeah. And AJ is in first place.

The fantasy zombie apocalypse is upon us.

black is for sunday vs. KayakPirates
Some would say my luck has been extra horrible the first two weeks of the season considering I am sitting alone in last place while having the second most points in the league. Some would even say it is frustrating to lose in back to back weeks because of career games from players that were on my team last season. You know what I think some should say? Nothing. I'm tired of their incessant chatter. My luck may not be about to change but Jeff's is... for the worse. Not only is he being plagued by the questions swirling within the team about the true status of RG3 (and out)'s knee. But the sharpest jabs are coming from within his own locker room... from Griffin's own WR1. I don't care if they settle this with a foot race or what but they need to settle it somewhere other than through the media. Between their blatantly racist name and the drama inside the team, I don't want to be anywhere near DC right now. That town is more toxic than ever. I would give Jeff the upperhand as it must be Joique Bell's turn for the best game of his career but there is no one on his team that I traded to him so he has no chance this week. Since Jeff's other running backs are nothing more than a "slow-moving rhombus of plastic spoons," I think I've got it this week.

BackwoodCrazyCajuns vs. The Institute
If the Browns think they know how to tank and play for next year, they need to realize that there is still much to learn from the VZRI playbook in that regard. After a soaring week 1, the league's temporary phoenix just as quickly as he rose from the ashes of his draft came crashing back to earth with twice the momentum. With Spiller sputtering to start the season, the wreckage of the Buccaneers careening to a heap all around the feet of Martin, Fitzgerald and Bryant both slowed by injuries and no answer at quarterback, the Cajun is already looking a lot less formidable than he did back in that hospitality suite. This championship contender is going to need a turnaround in the next few weeks if he hopes to be anything more than a paper tiger. Playing VZ will certainly give him a good start in making progress toward that goal. We're in week 3 and already The Institute is struggling to field nine healthy players.

Jerry's Belt Buckle vs. showmedmoney!
The curse of the number one pick is taking hold with Umphlett's team early. He picks Drew Brees first the one year that every quarterback in the league is playing like Drew Brees except Drew Brees. Then he rounds out his early round selections with the doomed Maurice Jones-Drew and the lame Roddy White. All is not well. Billy snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with a Mike Lombardi type general manager move of benching his most seasoned veteran for his rawest rookie. Too cute by half. But White's loss is Julio's gain. Without the services of Steven Jackson for the foreseeable future, you can expect the Falcons offense to be that much more aerial. This is very bad news for Chris who one day will stop drafting Steelers wide receivers. (BTW, unpopular opinion alert. Seattle will not cover at home versus the Jaguars this weekend. There is no chance that team and those fans get as hyped up for Jacksonville as they were last week. I expect the Seahawks to win by two touchdowns but this won't be a pure blowout. Everyone in the game is getting paid.) Still, Bill shows Chris who the second best team from Gates County is this week.

K Rabbits vs. 40 acres & a mule
At this point, Kris' season and draft strategy is turning out like the end of a Scooby Doo episode. Not drafting Rodgers and bypassing him for Brady is the equivalent of "And I would have gotten away with it too if not for you pesky kids." The problem is those "kids" are grown men who get paid to catch footballs but apparently instead of stone blocks for hands. If Tom Brady is screaming at you in the middle of the game, you know you messed up. That guy rarely gets upset and I mean, honestly, if you were him, would you? He rarely has anything to complain about. Meanwhile, Kris' former beau is dating a new team now. One that is somehow far uglier and yet more successful. We should just rename AJ's team "40 points & mediocre talent." Rodgers may be matchup-proof but 40 Acres hasn't yet seen a matchup of Peterson and Charles against a newly despondent Cleveland and Philly's turnstile of a defense. Expect Kris to put an end to this madness this week.

The Commish vs. the icon
As much crap as I have given the Browns over the last 24 hours, I think I see the strategy somewhat. They don't believe in their current lineup. They want to rework the whole team. Lombardi has been angling for this job for years and he finally has it. He's not going to waste his one shot. Stockpiling a bevy of picks and tanking for Teddy is the way to start fresh and finally reinvigorate a once proud and now struggling franchise. The Commish knows a little bit about what that process looks like over the last 4 years. Speaking of which, these are the only two managers to capture a Fantasy Bowl since 2009. This is a prime early season matchup and I like Jimmy this week to use it to catapult himself once again to the top of the league.

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