draft battles

During the draft last weekend, in the multitude of time afforded by waiting for Brandon to make his picks, Billy, AJ and I began a GIF battle. In fact, I likely spent more time researching new GIFs than I did researching the players I drafted last Saturday. I had already studied anyone I considered taking so it didn't matter much for me. Apparently, this strategic allocation of time didn't work out as well for AJ. That's why he ended up a part of the draft battle for last place.

Draft Battle #1: The War of Attrition
40 acres & a mule vs. The Institute (#9 vs. #10)

40 acres
Best pick: Aaron Rodgers (Round 2)
Worst picks: If keepers counted, I'd say Michael Bush (Round 10). So instead I'll go with the 5 wide receivers (Greg Jennings, James Jones, Kenny Britt, Stevie Johnson, Lance Moore) of identical value drafted between rounds 5-9 or the wrap-around tight ends selected at the turn of round 13-14 (Martellus Bennett, Antonio Gates).

AJ made a solid pick in Round 2 with Aaron Rodgers (aspirations to be the new K Rabbits?) but then didn't select another player that I would want on my squad this year. Slotting in Montee Ball as a second RB basically screams I read a fantasy magazine from June on my way to the draft.

The Institute
Best picks: Christine Michael (Round 11), Colin Kaepernick (Round 7)
Worst picks: Le'Veon Bell (Round 6), Jeremy Maclin (Round 12), Jonathan Stewart (Round 14)

With $12.50 in the bank for next year and underwhelming keepers like Andrew Luck and Rashard Mendenhall starting out the roster I understand the inkling on my nemesis to play for next year. And if he had assembled a team of Christine Michaels (a player with massive upside and the chance to be in a great situation for the future) and Michael Crabtrees (a player with a proven track record going for below market value because of injury) then I would have backed the move. But what value is there in drafting a borderline WR3 and sending him straight to the IR slot? Or in trading all those picks away just to get David Wilson a round early? Why not just go all out on every player with any chance of breaking out, let the chips fall where they may and sort it out through trades and keeper cash before next year's draft? In the end, I think VZ tried to have his cake and eat it too. Competing in the short term while building for the long term. He failed on both accounts.

Winner: No one. Ends like a Russian love story. They all die in the end.

Draft Battle #2: Anthem of Our Dying Day
showmedamoney! vs. the icon (#7 vs. #8)

showmedamoney!
Best pick: Kenbrell Tompkins (Round 9)
Worst pick: Jonathan Dwyer (Round 11)

Truthfully, Billy's best pick probably would have fallen to him in round 11 if he had waited. And that would have been a much better outcome than ending up with Dwyer. Not only was Dwyer an undertalented player in a crowded backfield, him getting cut mid-draft sent Billy into a tailspin. I would have been interested to see what this team was like with Aaron Rodgers leading it. (Not that I don't like Matt Ryan but I'm not sure getting Andre Johnson instead of Nicks/Colston/Steve Smith/Wayne makes the difference worth passing on Rodgers.) Might have missed an opportunity there.

the icon
Best pick: Eddie Lacy (Round 3)
Worst pick: Danny Amendola (Round 3)

Overbay didn't have a bad draft by any stretch but I'm not sure he capitalized on the trade with VZ. I'm not a big believer in the ability of SJax and Gore to continue being productive as the hurtle toward the age and workload that has put similar backs down for good in the past. And there is just no chance Amendola plays more than eight games this year. I love Lacy as a breakout candidate and think the icon was very smart with his tight end situation in pairing Gronk with someone who can keep the fire warm in Cameron during his absence. Five picks in the first 33 though with two solid keepers? That team should look better than this one.

Winner: Regret

Draft Battle #3: The Clone Wars
Jerry's Belt Buckle vs. The Commish (#5 vs. #6)

Jerry's Belt Buckle
Best pick: Maurice Jones-Drew (Round 2)
Worst pick: Emmanuel Sanders (Round 10)

Maurice Jones-Drew was an excellent value at the end of round 2 but they don't give out points for draft day value. A back of his age and size can only last so long against eight man boxes and a brutal carry load. I just can't buy in to a huge bounce back season. And two Steelers wide receivers again? How many times do you have to learn the same lesson? The Sanders pick cost Umphlett a shot at Lynch's backup Michael. If Lynch goes down or is let walk at the end of the season by the Seahawks, Umphlett will wish he had reached for Lynch's clone one round earlier for both now and the future.

When Chris found out he couldn't get Stafford on his team this year:

The Commish
Best picks: Trent Richardson (Round 1), Justin Blackmon (Round 12)
Worst pick: Knowshon Moreno (Round 13), Pierre Thomas (Round 16)

By the time draft day had come and gone, Trent Richardson had made me a believer but The Commish still hasn't. I love the value Jimmy got on Blackmon and Golden Tate. Both will start games for his squad this year. But why take washed up retreads for backup running backs unlikely to see the field very much if at all when they are both hopelessly stuck in committees? Vintage Commish teams get strength from the bench. It looks like waiver wire roulette is once again where Jimmy expects to find a championship. One sometimes can wonder whether a real human being still lurks below the Darth Vader mask The Commish dons in the league. I think that answer is yes after this weekend. In twelve live drafts I have completed with Jimmy I have never seen him surprised when it was his turn to pick until Saturday. With the turmoil that has obviously infiltrated The Commish's office, it's no wonder you can find the top man distracted. This is a developing story for this season.

Winner: The Commish but only because the plot of Empire demands it.

Draft Battle #4: The War to End All Wars (#3 vs. #4)
KayakPirates vs. K Rabbits

K Rabbits
Best pick: Tom Brady (Round 3)
Worst pick: Kyle Rudolph (Round 8)

I've said this to several people since the draft. Though I wouldn't say the K Rabbits had the best draft of anyone last Saturday, I walked away the most impressed by his strategy. Everyone in our league has a personality that defines most of their teams. Jeff takes a slow and steady wins the race approach. Overbay opts for established early in drafts before taking shots on breakout candidates. Jimmy builds around cornerstone players for their respective offenses. I'm the hype train. Kris always drafts Aaron Rodgers (or insert other quarterback man crush of the moment). Except he didn't. He changed his strategy thinking that whatever he was doing had brought him as far as he could go. I respect that as all of us our resistant to change (particularly people at the advanced age of the K Rabbits manager). This may not be a championship season but it could be the dawn of a new day for this franchise.

Aaron Rodgers when he found out that Kris passed on him in the first round:

KayakPirates
Best picks: T.Y. Hilton (Round 6), Josh Gordon (Round 10)
Worst pick: Dwayne Bowe (Round 4)

The more I look at Jeff's draft, the more I like it. He has solid players starting at every position and a lot of talent on the bench looking to push his starters for their spots. I love his breakout hype-laden package of WRs on the bench. The Griffin-Garcon connection will be strong as long as both can stay healthy. He's insured himself in case Griffin goes down with Matthew Stafford (who would have thought I'd talk about Stafford as a paragon of health two years ago?) And he took some calculated risks for the future. Jeff is getting more serious every year about putting his name on this trophy. I could tell by his late night pre-draft study session. Maybe it has something to do with the Crouton beating down his door for a chance at management but I think he gets rewarded this year for his tenacity. Jeff scooped some good players.

Winner: The K Rabbits never win anything.

Draft Battle #5: The War of the Roses
BackwoodCrazyCajuns vs. black is for sunday

BackwoodCrazyCajuns
Best pick: Larry Fitzgerald (Round 2)
Worst pick: Chris Ivory (Round 6)

You can't argue with the value that Brandon got any of his players at in the first five rounds. He started with the strongest keepers in the league and built a powerhouse around those players. However, he had to know better than to wait past Round 7 to select a quarterback. That is Fantasy Draft Strategy 101 stuff right there and we're not talking about some green rookie here. Brandon may be a champion of yesteryear at this point but he's better than missing on one of the top 12 QBs to snag a player of Chris Ivory's caliber. In the end, he'll pay something for this obvious mistake. He just has to hope it's the many hits and not this one miss that defines his season.

black is for sunday
Best pick: Lamar Miller (Round 3)
Worst pick: E.J. Manuel (Round 12)

Yep. Crushed it.

Winner: #TeamShade

breaking brady

This began as a project for Grantland as an entry into their contest for hiring a fantasy sports writer. Surprisingly, I don't think I'm getting the job but I still thought this short entry was worth sharing here.

Rob Gronkowski (TE - New England Patriots)

If there were ever a Breaking Bad spinoff about the NFL hitmen that make fantasy players disappear, I’d hire Bill Belichick in the world-wearied “Mike” role and Tom Brady to succeed Aaron Paul as the fresh-faced, unexpectedly gritty “Jesse.”

SCENE
A darkened film room is filled by two shadowy figures and an unopened box of powdered doughnuts. Coach Mike wears a well-worn, gray hooded sweatshirt with nondescript stains. His quarterback, Jesse, eyes a powdery treat as the coach explains this week’s gameplan.

JESSE/TOM

“YEAH, SCIENCE!”

The big bad for the first season would be Gronkowski. There’s no way a man that large is fitting into a barrel designed for hydrochloric acid. Gronkowski might as well be the Walter White of this operation. No matter his behavior or mistakes, he is essential to this operation. With Antonio “Gus Fring” Gates no longer at the top of the tight end food chain, Gronk is in the empire business.

Tom Brady (QB – New England Patriots)

Did you just read that? He’s in a badass Breaking Bad spinoff. That will make people forget this haircut, this feud with Justin Bieber, and these Ugg boots. Okay. Maybe not. But still.

Calvin Johnson (WR – Detroit Lions)

I think it’s time we convene a summit to decide when it is acceptable to retroactively change a player’s nickname because real world events have made it impossible to continue with the current one. This happens in sports all the time. Team names found to be culturally insensitive are pushed to wayside for new monikers, new merchandise, and some hitherto undiscovered shade of teal to use on the uniforms. If Michael Bay continues defecating on my childhood onscreen, Calvin’s “Megatron” be our first order of new business for the summit. Johnson is too good to be associated with something so horrendous… or Shia Lebouf… but I repeat myself. If Matthew Stafford really has transformed into a top five NFL quarterback after his (obligatory injury history reference) then we’re going to need a new handle quickly. I hear “CJ2K” is available. Autobots, roll out!

Arian Foster (RB – Houston Texans)

There are some hard truths in life. As I careen out of my late twenties and into my early thirties, I am learning more of them everyday. One is: If you’re weird, you will have fewer friends. Yes, this truth is as timeless as the sandbox but no matter what our hipster-affirming, participation ribbon-awarding, manic pixie dream girl-pursuing culture tries to tell us, this one stands the test of time. Arian Foster didn’t get drafted higher in the NFL because he was unpopular. NFL GMs probably had no idea what to make of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told teams inviting him in for an interview that he would only grant it if he could speak solely in “Pterodactyl.” (Please take a moment to imagine a sit down with Foster and Jeff Ireland involving only mumbled squawks.) Despite his bouts with anti-awesomeness earlier in life, I say we accept Foster for what he is: an insanely talented, too brainy for his own good football player. And when we convene the nickname summit, can we also resolve to make sure this never happens again? Jeremy Lin thought that was in poor taste.

Aaron Rodgers (QB – Green Bay Packers)

I could go on for a couple hundred words about Rodgers’ stats, consistency, and general command of his offense. But the true testament to his greatness is that simply holding a clipboard in his general vicinity got a guy paid tens of millions of dollars. (Seriously, Matt Flynn, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.) One of the most amazing aspects of the NFL is the anti-meritocracy aspect of the game. From players never getting paid their just value to a team until they’re tool old and broken down to provide that value anymore to the enduring popularity of every marginal franchise’s backup quarterback, the NFL isn’t a “what have you done for me lately” league as much as it’s a “what could you do for me tomorrow” league. It’s the opposite of high school where the goofy, gangly tangle of limbs that make up that geeky freshman is the coolest kid in school. The problem for a backup becoming a starter is now you have a backup. And the hottest girl in school just asked him to prom or made Russell Wilson her fantasy sleeper. She’s surprisingly knowledgeable about the Seahawks’ depth chart.